| TL:DR Relationship Crap... |
[May. 7th, 2012|01:35 am] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Neil Gaiman - Fragile Things | ] |
i've made progress with my therapist. To the point that i'm working toward seeing value in myself. In the fact that i am not an object, i am a human being, and i deserve to be treated like one.
Which led to her telling me i need to be questioning whether or not i want to stay with James, because of his immaturity and the lack of emotional and sexual support for me. When i've needed emotional support, he changes the topic to video games, or the next time i'm going to suck his dick. In fact, those are practically the only two topics that exist when we talk. As for the sexual needs, i'm supposed to be sucking him off twice a week, and i'm lucky to get sex once a month. As i had been forbidden from climaxing on my own...
So i brought this up to him after my last session. We cried and talked about how we both loved each other. i explain YET AGAIN [i've been bringing it up for the last month, at least] to him that we need to talk about more than video games and when i'm sucking his dick next, and i need more sex.
He makes me feel guilty for asking for more sex, as apparently it hurts his back. So now i feel like shit, and he asks me when i'm going to write the papers he asked for - one on what i think it means to be a slave, and one on why i want to be his slave. Being honest, and standing up for myself for the first time in YEARS, i explain to him that, while i enjoy being his slave in the bedroom and on most occassions, i'm afraid i cannot be a 24/7 slave.
He responds by not only demoting me to girlfriend, but in the same breath mentioning that i am to find my replacement.
i stormed off, yelling at him for practically ending our relationship.
Longer story somewhat slightly shorter - i was to find the second slave for our relationship, and i was aware of this from the beginning. i agreed to it. But the way he worded it, it felt like i was being made nothing but his emotional support, while being worthless myself in everything else. Because i KNOW he will value the 24/7 over me, and we did not agree on that. i was to be the alpha.
Lots of miscommunications, like him ignoring me, later.... And he wants us to give each other space until his sister gets home from college, Saturday. i can't wait that long without SOMETHING, at the very least a promise of him working on making this less of him taking all the time with me not receiving anything. But no, we HAVE to wait until his sister comes to be a mediator. So space it is.
i'm currently going through the grieving process, because i can't wait that fucking long for some promise of something better. i need something NOW.
So i'm currently swaying from wanting to leave and move home, to giving him yet another chance.
i've kinda almost compromised with this is his very last chance. But i keep leaning toward leaving him, as i can't take the immaturity any longer. i just don't fucking know what's going on. And it breaks my heart.
So, fuck it, i'm going to the movies with Mike again. We're going to see the Avengers sometime this week. And James can just sit at home with his beloved videogames and fucking whack off for all i care. Fuck you. At least Mike treats me like an equal, and is nice to me, but most of all, i can COMMUNICATE with him. And he's a very new friend!
FUCK. |
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| Okay, So... |
[Feb. 21st, 2012|12:22 am] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Tom Clancy - Without Remorse | ] |
i bought the shotgun on February 8th. It sat in my trunk until the 13th. i packed everything i would need for my final outfit: makeup, dress, jewelry, lotions and the like on the 11th. These sat in my trunk as well.
After i tucked James in on the 12th, i finished up the last of my business. i took my statue of Bast, told her to take care of Him while i was gone, kissed her, and set her on His desk. Crying, i set out for the hotel.
There, i sat and read what was to be my last book, while steeling myself for getting showered and dressed up. i took breaks to smoke some cigarettes and a little marijuana.
At about 2AM, i stumbled across the following quote on page 323 of Stephen King's 'Cell:'
'He said the mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns, and the heart knows what the heart knows.'
It made me stop and think: am i really going to do this to Him? i knew it would shatter Him. But i ignored His phone calls.
i began getting ready at 2:30AM. i checked out, and headed to my special spot. There, i smoked a couple more cigarettes and a little more marijuana, wanting to be happy when i died.
i took the shotgun out of the trunk and loaded it with the 12 gauge double buck shot. i set it next to me in the front seat. i stared at it long and hard. And that quote kept repeating in my head. The phone kept ringing. i picked up the shotgun, and realized i couldn't do this to Him. i couldn't shatter someone else with my selfishness.
At 4AM, i called Him, in tears.
He quickly put the police officer who was at the house on the phone. Sobbing, i told her how to get to me, what i had, and that i wanted help. She had me throw the shotgun out on the ground, and wait for the other officers to find me. She stayed on the phone with me until they arrived.
i was subjected to three pat downs, and had to stand with my hands up while they searched my car. 8 cruisers ended up coming. Finally, the police officer who had talked to me on the phone came, and took me to the local psychiatric unit.
i stayed for a week, adjusting my meds, doing therapy groups and the like. i was released on Sunday, the 19th, with scheduled emergency followups with my doctors set for this week.
i feel better than i did. i'm still not 100%, but i'm doing my best.
i guess Bast did protect Him in my absence. Committing suicide would have ruined Him. And she made sure that didn't happen. In fact, by seeing her on His desk, He knew something was wrong. His sister had left Him IM messages about my last Facebook posts, and they called the police. |
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| Well, That Was An Experience... |
[Jan. 26th, 2012|05:36 pm] |
Today, i had a hallucination that i had committed suicide. The joy of this hallucination caused me to have an orgasm so hard i was sobbing. The fact that i had done this caused another one. i was sobbing for 10 minutes. Then i started to cackle, and couldn't stop alternating between laughing and sobbing.
i am not doing well. i don't know if it's due to meds not working, or i'm just that batshit.
i finally was able to sober up and get back to my new current outlook of 'i don't give a fuck.' i don't give a fuck about ANYTHING. i'm so apathetic, that the only break from the monotony is planning to die.
Fuck me. |
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| Stuck Between a Rock... |
[Dec. 11th, 2011|02:18 am] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | My Chemical Romance - Helena | ] |
And your father's cock. Well, so far, it looks like this is not going to be a happy post. *Shrugs.*
In general, things have gotten better. i've at least convinced myself that i can aim for another six months before i re-evaluate suicide. And sadly, that is a fucking huge improvement. The self loathing, at this point, would scorch Satan's ass. But i digress.
Master and i took very large steps backward 3-4 months ago, when He had that breakdown. Since then, i have not worn His collar, nor been His property. Mostly vanilla. He wants me back so bad, He doesn't know what to do with Himself.
i've been leading Him on for the last 2 weeks that i still haven't made my decision. When in fact, for Christmas, i am wrapping our collar with the locking mechanisms and a note saying 'Merry Christmas, Master.' i even have a decoy gift to give Him in front of His family, keeping the real present hidden until after everyone else has gone to bed. So it completely catches Him off guard.
On one hand [rock] i can't wait to start over, and continue my life with Him. To get back on track and keep growing with one another. On the other [hard place] i can't even promise that i will give Him even another 6 months of my life. Because, holy fuck, things in here are that fucking bad.
i'm self destructing at this point, in my attempts to grasp at something other than this blinding pain in my head. And i may gain some ground hour to hour, but i'm slipping further than i'm gaining.
i don't know what to do. |
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| Total Disgust... |
[Nov. 17th, 2011|11:32 pm] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Foster The People - Pumped Up Kicks | ] |
i don't feel like going into too much detail, but let's say there's a very obnoxious, loud, CHILDISH bitch who does everything for the attention it garners her. And i severely dislike her for more than just this, but...
It started when she was cheating on her husband with another man who was married. After getting 'betrothed' and handfasted to this man, she dumped him for another man who was married. While she's still married.
She severely hurt the first marriage, and has ended the second. Second boy is still married, too. At least she finally filed for divorce, thank the lawd.
So she's still married [not officially divorced, and won't be for about a year.] Her new 'soul mate' [because every person she fucks is her soulmate from past lives or some shit. Again, garnered attention] is still married.
And they are planning their wedding for 2013.
It's not just this. Every. Fucking. Little. Fucking. Detail. Is posted all over social networking sites. She's asking for people to be in the handfasting with second boy publicly, simply because more people can favourite it and comment with less than threes and smileyface. Because for some fucking reason, everyone seems to think this is totally cool. That this is okay.
And they think fags are ruining the sanctity of marriage. *Shakes head.* |
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| The Reluctant Pagan... |
[Nov. 10th, 2011|05:31 pm] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| |  mischievous | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Within Temptation - Memories | ] |
Okay. So this sounds completely insane, but bear with me.
Witchfire posted a blog about the Frost Moon, the first thing that made me tilt my head. i had gone shopping for hygiene stuffs before reading it, and had been drawn to, with two different items, two different scents/herbs attached to the moon.
i also noticed that Bast was a deity of this moon. As she has seemingly claimed me, with the phantom cats when i need protection and the NEED to buy a statue of her earlier in the year...
So tonight, because it felt right [i'm not even sure if tonight is the official Frost Moon or not] i went out, with said statue, to try and reconnect.
The first two places i went, things went wrong. Finally i went out to a special place i have out in the woods. This was right. So i did my own thing. Head changes and the like. i will not explain that to you.
And when i was done, i looked up to the huge, bone-coloured moon rising. |
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| Back from the Grave... |
[Sep. 26th, 2011|09:37 pm] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| | quixotic | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | INXS - Elegantly Wasted | ] |
i just found my journals. The only ones i kept. The first entry for one is 2003, with the last update being 2010. And i go looooooong periods without updating. See, here is for good, shareable entries. Yes, even the depressing ones. Those are shareable/i don't know where else to turn/etc. No. This is the inner sanctum. What cannot be repeated. Remind me to burn these before i kill myself.
Anyhow, dispersed throughout are quotes. Specifically, things that have been said while highly intoxicated. Elegantly wasted, if you will.
i flipped through and found the following, between myself and my Dani-pants:
Dani: Who?
kat: Your mom.
Dani: Where?
kat: Up my butt.
Dani: Why?
kat: It was Sunday?
Dani: BITCH!
i am SO looking forward to October. i need this. More than ever this year. It's beyond believable how close the war is between barely functional and suicidal ideation. It is beyond fucking close some days.
But getting to run away. Sure, it's about seeing my very best friend and catching up and having a huge party for two weeks straight, but it really is running away. And perhaps, while not exactly the correct thing to do, running away will fix things well enough that i can get by.
This is my therapy. Nothing else has ever come close to alleviating what my brain is constantly going through as this. And i've been told there is no cure. |
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| Redeption... |
[Sep. 19th, 2011|02:56 am] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Smashing Pumpkins - The Beginning is the End is the Beginning | ] |
Back when i was getting ECT [electro-convulsive therapy] i walked into my local 7-11 for cigarettes. On my way out, a man came in, stopped, and called me by name.
i have him the spiel that was normal for me during ECT: 'While i may have met you before, and may be meeting you for the first time for the sixth time in a row, i'm afraid that the ECT has made it that i don't remember you. i'm sorry, what was your name again?'
He gets a confused look. 'It's Blair, from high school.'
i instinctively cringed and backed away. He and his friends were responsible for kicking, punching, pushing, tripping, and spitting on me daily in high school. As well as picking on me for attempting suicide.
'What is ECT?'
'You might know it as shock therapy.'
His face falls heavily. 'You mean... you weren't acting like that for attention in high school?'
'No. i really am schizophrenic.'
To which he replied with something i thought i would never hear: 'I am so very sorry for everything we ever did to you.'
He gave me a big hug, and couldn't stop apologizing.
So it is possible for the monsters who tormented you in high school to turn into human beings. If you have a child or know of a child who is suffering, please let them know - there is hope for redemption. |
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| i'm THIS FUCKING CLOSE To Giving Up... |
[Sep. 3rd, 2011|11:55 pm] |
i'm going to rant. You probably shouldn't read this.
So, He started showering every day again, even shaved today. Was talking with me, even.
And then He goes downstairs to eat and gets a letter that says, as He hasn't called in for three days straight, He's fired. He stormed up the stairs, slammed His door, and began crying. It broke my heart.
i feel bad, but it's His fucking fault. And it's going to be taken out on me, by further distancing between me and Him. Right now, i'm at the point i don't even want to play with Him because i don't trust Him anymore. It's going to take a LOT of work to get back to where we were, if i even give a shit if this continues for too much longer.
i love Him. i really do. But i can't take too much more of this. i'm very close to a breaking point. i mean, shit, i wanted to start smoking again just to spite Him. And tomorrow is my year and a day without. All for Him. And i get ignored and glared at because i care, and try to help. FUCK. i only say hello to Him once a day, to see if He is being a fucking human being to me or not.
Because, as close to guessing the future off of past experience, He's going to isolate for another week. And continue to ignore me. HE'S ALL i FUCKING HAVE HERE. Isolating for a little while to lick Your wounds is okay. But two fucking weeks, when You're the only person i have here? NOT ACCEPTABLE.
And if He loses me, just like with His job, He's going to be distraught afterward, but right now i'm certain he could give a rat's ass. And that just pisses me off.
i AM SO VERY MOTHERFUCKING TIRED OF FUCKING CRYING.
Which i'm starting to do FUCKING AGAIN. Fuck my life. |
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| Fuck... |
[Aug. 30th, 2011|12:43 pm] |
| [ | Headquarters |
| | Sun Prairie, WI | ] |
| [ | Soul |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Fascination |
| | Rabbit In The Moon - Fear [Lunasol Mix] | ] |
He is in one of His funks. And i think i fucked up our relationship. i won't know until later today at the earliest. So, of course, i'm freaking out.
Let's just say last night He touched me out of anger in a way that reminded me of Armando. So i backhanded His face and screamed 'You don't fucking do that.' Then i stormed out and slammed the door. In my defense, it was a gut reaction.
[The following may be triggering for some.]
i went across the hall to my new room, and without thinking, grabbed my scissors and began to cut myself. i didn't get as far as i usually do, with only 13, but His parents had come back and were knocking at the door.
When i feel like cutting, in a out of nowhere sense, i usually don't. i have time to think about doing it, and am able to rationalize myself out of it, and if that doesn't work i can grab some ice cubes and grip them hard for as long as it takes for it to go away.
But when it's an emotional, sudden urge, there is no time for thinking and rationalizing. i just grab and do. And the pain, emotions, everything, all let out in my red dripping blood... It is a catharsis like unto nothing else.
Sure, i feel terrible afterward. i am ashamed and realize it's going to take a long time to heal, and i have to wear long sleeves, blah blah. But in that moment, it is amazing.
But now i'm freaking out that He will want to end the relationship because we both stepped out of line. But He may see my transgressions as more severe than i do. i don't know, i don't know.
i wish i could just go in there, talk to Him, explain why i did what i did, apologize that i stepped out of line, but that it was a gut reaction, and He really should not touch me out of anger like that. And that i still love Him. That i want to fix this. But my trust in Him has been affected, so we need to work on that. But i want everything to go back to being okay.
i don't fucking know.
But i can't, because He's still in that funk, and i get to sit and stew in my fears that i've lost Him. |
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